Kind criticism?

[akate]

I know, I wrote 'kind'. I want some criticism on this, these are the first two paragraph type things of a story I'm writing:

I hadn’t always thought this would be what my life would be like. I thought I would go to university to become a teacher, get married and have kids. There was no way I thought I’d be getting a divorce before I finish university, to become a doctor, mind you.
You see, when I was sixteen, I thought I was in love and I pretty much forced my parents into letting me marry my boyfriend of eighteen months, Tyler. He was eighteen at the time, working fulltime, he could support us, and it took a lot to let my parents let me marry him.
I thought I was in love. It wasn’t until after I married him did I learn that married life is hard, especially whilst at school, high school to put the icing on the cake. We had fought like nothing else for the past three years. I hadn’t told my parents, of course, they would want me to get divorced straight away and we'd have had the world’s shortest marriage. I couldn’t let them win, not after I had fought so hard for it.

I'm not the kind to go and whine about the criticism people give me. I'm not sure if I'll make it a Sim story or not yet, if I do, it wont be for a while because the graphics on my laptop are horrid. If you've read "A Purd-a-licious Legacy" you'd see the horribleness!
Thanks for constructive criticism

[Samantha]

There were just a couple inconsistency errors that I found. For example, in the second sentence, you say that she wants to go to school to be a teacher, but then in the sentence directly after that, you say she wants to be a doctor. And in the second paragraph, you say that she had forced her parents into allowing her to get married. But then in the third paragraph, you say that she never even told them.

And as a last little thing, the way you introduce your story can be described as telling, not showing. I know that term is thrown around a lot, but it simply means that your character is laying everything out in the first three paragraphs, instead of letting the audience see it through her interactions with her family and husband.

Other than that, though, your story isn't bad. I'd check it out if you ever posted it. And besides a couple minor grammatical errors, it's obvious that you have a basic understand of how written language works.

[◦BB◦]

I agree with everything Samantha said . Here are some grammar problems/fixes:

Apr 9, 2011 10:36:49 GMT akate said:

I hadn’t always thought this would be what my life would be like. I thought I would go to university to become a teacher, get married, and have kids. There was no way I thought I’d be getting a divorce before I finished university--to become a doctor, mind you.
You see, when I was sixteen, I thought I was in love, and I pretty much forced my parents into letting me marry my boyfriend of eighteen months, Tyler. He was eighteen at the time, working fulltime, he could support us, and it took a lot to let my parents let me marry him. You should probably split that into two sentences
I thought I was in love. It wasn’t until after I married him did I learn that married life is hard, especially whilst at school--high school to put the icing on the cake. We had fought like nothing else for the past three years. I hadn’t told my parents, of course. They would want me to get divorced straight away, and we'd have had the world’s shortest marriage. I couldn’t let them win, not after I had fought so hard for it.

1. When you list things, each thing needs to have a comma after it.
2. Don't switch tenses. "Thought" is in past tense, so "finish" should be too.
3. If not entriely sure what you should do when you use "mid you" and "to put the icing on the cake", but I'm pretty sure you don't use a comma. I put dashes there instead, but maybe someone else knows what to do.
4. Watch out for run-on sentences!
5. Use commas when you connect to independent clauses with a conjunction.

Sounds like it'll be a good story! Hope this helps !

[akate]

Thanks
Samantha: What I mean is when she was younger she wanted to be a teacher, but the becoming a doctor part is emphasizing how her life has changed dramatically. Also, she has told her parents she'd married, she hadn't told them she hated her husband and fought with him quite a bit.
Thank you both If this on the official BBS, I would give you bene's ^_^

[Samantha]

Apr 9, 2011 19:30:49 GMT ◦BB◦ said:

3. If not entriely sure what you should do when you use "mid you" and "to put the icing on the cake", but I'm pretty sure you don't use a comma. I put dashes there instead, but maybe someone else knows what to do.

That's perfectly fine. When in doubt, you can always use a dash, so long as they're not overused.

akate: Okay. I understand both of those scenarios now, but I did not get it from the writing. And if I didn't get it, chances are that others won't get it, either. I'd mention something in the actual story to clear up any possible confusion.

I miss the benes, too.

Good luck with the rest of your story.

[akate]

I'll change it a bit so it'll, hopefully, make sense
Thank you

[◦BB◦]

You're welcome .

Also, since you guys seems to be wondering, you actually can bene people here. It's the "exalt" button under your avatar.

[akate]

Woo! You're all getting an 'exalt' :L